I remember asking my mom when I was little who she loved best between me and my dad. “It’s a different kind of love,” she told me then. But the kisses she and my dad shared in the toy aisle, their constant holding hands, and their long vacations sans kids while we stayed with the grandparents told me otherwise. She loved my dad more. And I am so happy she did.
When a family is strong, mom does prioritize the marriage over the kids. But we live in a culture where kids come first. Or, as my friend recently said, “Since when did kids move from the card table at Thanksgiving to the head of the table?” Since when, indeed.
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Blogger Joanna Goddard addresses this in her blog and the result is very interesting. She spoke of a conversation she and a friend had after her friend saw writer Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity, a book about sex within a marriage (and after having kids). Goddard says:
Perel believes that there’s a badge of honor among American women to not prioritize yourself or your marriage: It’s all about the children. Without realizing it, she said, women can end up getting their emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction from their children, instead of their partners, said Perel. They give their babies tons of wonderful affection — and then don’t have anything left over for their spouse. The marriage can become an afterthought.
Um, yep. How many women do we all know like this? It’s not their fault. And I don’t blame them. But it’s a problem. A huge one, in fact.
The fact is, in a family, if mom and dad aren’t happy, ain’t nobody else happy either. The marriage should be prioritized higher than anything else.
I see it in my own family all the time. When my husband and I are happy and loving with one another, our children are happy and loving with us. They want to get in between us and cuddle and they are much calmer. After all, the marriage is the foundation of the family.
Ideally, children are born from the love two people share with one another. They grow under the umbrella of that love and then they find their own loves with whom they will do the same. Romantic love is so different (thanks mom!) than the love I feel for my children. I would die for my kids, jump in front of a train for them, and move mountains to keep them happy. But my love for my husband is different.
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It’s burning and passionate and sexual (one would hope!). It gets me through the hard days and sustains me when things feel low. Without him, the rest would fall apart. I know this, he knows this, and we both work very hard to maintain it. It’s not easy. My love for my children is much easier and comes more naturally and takes less work.
So in that sense, yes, my marriage is priority number one. It’s what made my family and it’s what will stay after my kids fly the nest.
May 9th, 2013 at 9:07 am
WOW! THANKS FOR THIS WONDERFUL YET TRUE WORDS OF WISDOM. I AM BLESSED AND FROM TODAY WILL LOVE MY HUBBY MORE. I DO LOVE HIM BUT I AM LOVING HIM MORE, I WILL NOT LET OUR KIDS COME IN BETWEEN OUR LOVE. I AM BLESSED JANEPHER
October 1st, 2013 at 10:57 am
I find this piece very enlightening and indeed a gem for couples in general and women in particular. No one is supposed to come before your spouse; not your parents, not your siblings and definately not the kids.
From my experience as a husband who has seen the kind of love my wife showers upon our son, i would say it is the worst kind of competition to subject a man to. I would rather face off with another man in fighting for the attention of my wife than compete with my son. I mean he is my flesh and blood and I should by all means be happy for him.
But sometimes I can’t help but feel jealous for the way my wife looks at him with love, affection and admiration all rolled into one. It makes feel like an outsider.
April 22nd, 2014 at 1:13 pm
Soooo appreciate the way in which this message (we all know so well) was communicated. It is in recognizing the difference that we can move successfully ahead with loving our spouse first…then children. I really needed this today!
September 5th, 2014 at 7:21 pm
I am Happy to have read this as I treasure my husband but at times find it hard to be away from him. It is true when my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye it does affect my children and they way we are with our children… I love my family and yes have found that us as wives need to be more attentive to our husband needs or make sure we put aside time for them.
November 12th, 2014 at 6:46 am
Stop!! Woa!!!! You all need to get it straight a wife should not do all the work. A husband has to show his wife a lot of attention too. He needs to be attentive to her too and make sure that he is not cold and distant and also makes time for her.
Stop putting all the responsibility for successful marriage on the wife. This is a man- made doctrine, that needs to be stopped, stop now!! 8:47am
November 12th, 2014 at 10:42 am
In light of your comment you may enjoy reading our article posted today on Meridian Magazine, titled “What Every Husband Needs to Know”. http://ldsmag.com/what-every-husband-needs-to-know/
No question about it, both partners need to do their part to make a marriage happy and successful. This particular article focuses on what husband’s need to do, from our book “Wake-up Call: What every husband needs to know.” Early next year we will be releasing the book “Wake-up Call: What every wife needs to know.”
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. We carefully consider all comments that come to us.
Best regards,
Joy Lundberg