The Lundberg Company

Recently we were visiting with a seventeen-year-old young man who is filled with an anger that seems to be controlling much of his life. This bright young man has lost his desire to finish high school, to attend church, and to make anything productive of his life. He is a boy broken by the tragedy of divorce. And the divorce didn’t just happen. When he was only three years old his mother left his father, claiming life was too hard. The couple struggled as the young father tried to balance being a husband and father with going to college and working at a minimum-pay job. “I can do better on welfare,” was his wife’s pathetic reason for leaving. Being shifted back and forth between two unhappy parents through the years and seeing the rage that existed between the two, has taken a terrible toll on this boy, and both parents.

This tragedy in all of its various forms is sweeping across the country like an infectious deadly disease, leaving sad and broken families in its wake. People everywhere are expressing concern, almost running scared that it might happen to them. Divorce doesn’t need to happen! Rare are the cases that justify it. There are a few, such as the evil of abuse where the mate must flee for safety, or when an unrepentant spouse is repeatedly unfaithful to the marriage covenant (the key words here are “unrepentant” and “repeatedly”). Truth is, too many are leaving because of selfish desires and an unwillingness to sacrifice together for the greater good of the family. Too many claim, “I’m not happy,” or “I don’t love him/her anymore,” or “the sizzle is gone.” These are not justifiable reasons!

Even the unhappiest of situations can be turned around when the husband and wife are willing to put forth the effort to discover the problem and work on it. For some crazy reason some spouses think they will be happier with a new partner. The divorce rate for second and third marriages far exceeds that of first marriages. Why is that? Because the same pattern is repeated, and they keep looking for the “ideal” husband or wife to magically turn up next time around. It’s been accurately said that if you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence then it’s time to start watering your own grass.

There are simple, effective ways to “water your own grass.” Someone has to turn the water on and it might as well be you. Don’t wait for your spouse to be the one. Here are three ways to start the watering process today.

1. Do your best to understand what your spouse is going through. Instead of being critical, see it from his or her perspective. For example, your wife, who pays the monthly bills, is continually complaining about not having enough money for all the family needs. The two of you often end up in verbal fights over it, each blaming the other for inadequacies. Instead, how about saying to her, “It’s got to be hard trying to make ends meet. Frankly, sweetheart, there are many times that I’m amazed at how well you do with what we have to work with.” You will be surprised at how she softens and recognizes your sacrifices for the family. Then, when the children are asleep, the two of you can sit down and, without throwing hurtful words at each other, discuss what can be done to help your financial situation. This same way of understanding can apply to all situations that cause conflict.

2. Start noticing and acknowledging the good things your mate does. There are so many good things that can and need to be said to your spouse that will make a significant difference in creating a loving relationship. The powerful effect of doing this was illustrated in a letter in a “Dear Abby” column. A woman and her husband were continually fighting and she had spent many nights crying herself to sleep. She wrote:

“One night I couldn’t sleep because I was so upset with him. All I could think about were all the things that bugged me about him. I knew that if I didn’t banish these negative thoughts from my mind, it would be a longtime before I fell asleep. I decided to think instead of all the things that I loved about him. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and placed it in his briefcase.

“The next morning, he called me from work to tell me how much he loved me. When he came home that evening, he put my list in a frame and hung it on the wall. We hardly ever fight anymore. I get love notes weekly and kisses daily.” (Daily Herald, Provo, UT, Feb. 7, 2000)

3. Have fun together. People don’t fall out of love, they forget to love. You must take time to have fun, and it won’t just happen. The two of you need to plan together what you will do to put some fun back into your marriage. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “In all of living have much of fun and laugher. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” (Ensign, May 1996, p. 94) That once-a-week date is vitally important. Go out to dinner, to a movie or a concert, or even just a short trip out for ice cream where the two of you can be alone. Leave the kids with a sitter and go have some fun together. If you can’t always decide on something you both enjoy, then at times take turns choosing each other’s favorite thing to do and enjoy your mates joy in his or her passion. Have some fun!

Any couple willing to “water their own grass” can turn their marriage into a fulfilling enjoyable partnership that will bring light, love, and security into their home. Then they will never know the agony and heartache of divorce. And their children will never sit with a grandparent, as one little six-year-old child-of-divorce did, saying sadly, “Grandma, divorce stinks!”

[Based on concepts from the Lundbergs’ new book Married for Better, Not Worse: The 14 Secrets to a Happy Marriage and from the bestselling book I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better: Empowering Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships, published by Penguin Books, NY]